Goodbyes Without Endings
In a world built on accumulation its no wonder loss hits us hard. Excess consistently leaves us empty and we are left to search for a remedy to the pain that is left in its wake. Not all separations and losses are created equal and even though some are decided for us, others are sought out for a myriad of reasons only we can justify. But, it’s the ones that stick in our psyche and sneak back into our thoughts at the least expected times that haunt us for years.
When my daughter was young, saying goodbye to her friend was devastating. Even at that age, she knew when her play date was starting to draw to a close. She and her friend would negotiate for just a little longer to keep the fun going to avoid the harsh feelings and sadness that saying goodbye brings. As parents, we feel that it's our job to talk to our kids and prepare them for the challenges of life, especially how to handle difficult emotions. But in reality, love and loss happen frequently, and some experiences affect us deeply and last a lifetime. I’m not sure there's any real way to prepare for these feelings.
As the Earth rotates around the Sun, life reminds us again and again of the lessons hidden in our daily choices. In some cases, we ignore our inner voice telling us what path is the right one to choose. That voice is trying to prevent us from the future pain we may cause ourselves. If you’re like me, you mute that voice when the current feelings bring enough joy to outweigh the predicted future hurt. Life is just a series of calculated decisions; it's here we find the joy and sadness that we feel regularly, although the intensity of our feelings changes, the game stays the same. It’s with this knowledge that we still choose to follow our hearts over our intellect, time and time again. It’s almost as if every day we are gambling our lives away, hoping that the house gives us a taste of winning every now and then. When we do get that taste, it’s almost as if it's heaven-sent.
Riding motorcycles allows time to reflect on a life lived. Some days, I am able to cherish all that I have, while others, I am left with the antipathy of what I have lost. Irrespective of what has passed, I play the internal blame game and try to negotiate with myself that if the circumstances had played out another way, I wouldn't be where I am. No matter the time spent working through these thoughts, the answers may never be found. Some say that peace comes from acceptance, although I like the sound of that, it can only be successfully achieved sometimes, and it's not linear.
Acceptance may be the goal, but the truth is, loss never really leaves, it just changes shape. As much as I love reveling in the good times, I'd be lying if I didn't admit the distant sadness of loss always seems to draw me back in. I ask myself, do I go looking for it, or are the people and things from my past reaching through time and space, trying to communicate with me still? While I may spend the rest of my life working through some of the larger goodbyes, I often remind myself of the old adage, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, it was never meant to be." Still, I find myself wrestling with the hardest truth of all, accepting the choices that shaped me, both the ones I made and the ones I never had the chance to make.
In a life spent searching for happiness, acceptance, and love, all while blazing a path that would uniquely be mine, I found myself living life in a cycle. The sun shines bright and brings warmth while the storms bring rain and darkness. Throughout this repetition, I continue to get up and ride through the seasons and find shelter when needed. Over the years, I have met many people and ridden a lot of miles, but I have only truly loved a few. A few have stuck around and provided refuge to a weary rider when it was so desperately needed, and others turned their back and rode off as quickly as they appeared.
Maybe goodbyes aren’t meant to be conquered but carried, each one stitched into the fabric of who we are. They shape the way we love, the way we hope, and even the way we ride through life. Every ride ends, seasons change, but the road always stretches on ahead. Goodbyes may haunt me, but they also remind me that the journey isn’t finished.